Thursday, February 28, 2008

Semi-Secret

As I was drifting off to sleep the other night while I had family visiting, I found myself wishing that I didn’t have to be so secretive about my interest in spanking and what I do. Quite a few people in my personal life do know, but then again, quite a few very important people (like my family and my boyfriend’s family) don’t.

In some ways I like having my secret. It’s a fun, confident, sassy side of me that I can choose to share with others or keep to myself. People that have only met the shy, quiet girl whose cheeks blush when speaking in front of a “crowd” of more than 2 people would likely be surprised to learn that this is the same girl that has no problem showing her other blushing cheeks and being a loud, playful brat in front of the camera.

I have told a few close friends and even a few coworkers at one of my previous vanilla jobs. While many more know about my current job now thanks to an article on PB in a free local paper, I had already shared my secret with a number of my closest cube-mates.

Happily in my experiences in coming out about my spankoness with those chosen friends, they’ve all reacted positively. No one rejected me or made fun of me beyond the level of mutual good natured teasing we’d always engaged in. While no one that I confessed to immediately jumped up and said they were natural born spankos too, a couple admitted to having some relatable interest and everyone was at least open minded enough to be accepting of what I do just as long as I’m safe. I was cautious and selective in whom I chose to tell however, as I don’t believe this would be everyone’s reaction.

I love the little inside jokes and exchanging knowing glances with a trusted friend when something spank-related finds its way into an otherwise vanilla conversation. I also found it so funny when my friend at work would leave a note on my dry erase board wishing me good luck on my shoot by drawing a picture of me as whatever character I was playing that weekend. The secret can be fun, a naughty ace up my sleeve, but it can also be hard at times because I feel guilty.

The guilt is not necessarily directly related to my interest in spanking, but that in keeping my secret, I’m often forced to fib. Vanillafying the house for a few days is easy in comparison with coming up with endless reasons of why I’m out of town at least once or twice a month on Saturdays and why I have need to fly out to Vegas or California (often without my boyfriend) when I no longer have a corporate job that requires business travel or overtime. I hate fibbing as I have such an honesty complex, but a white lie here or there isn’t the end of the world I suppose. Sometimes the best answer isn’t always an honest one and so for now and the foreseeable future, my little world of spanking will continue to be semi-secret.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Pixie,

I guess we all feel very much like you as those "spanko-feelings" are not easily shared in a World that has turned negative on spanking. It isn't "politically correct" to even mention the subject.
So we need to be as selective as you are, in confiding our feelings to others.
I did with a few people and silently hoped that they would "enroll" into some spanking activities with me as well, but that never happened.
Sometimes you "sense" that a girl might be into spanking and when you carefully address the issue, most girls close up completely. Leaving you with that feeling of being "weird" or at least "different"...

Only once I had an experience with an employee, a lovely woman of about 28. She had done something wrong and we were addressing the issue. All of a sudden she raised from her chair, turned her back towards me, bend over and asked: "Why don't you spank me?"
I looked at the tight pants that stretched over her well-rounded buttocks and...
Didn't do it! I always preached that staff needed a safe and sane environment to do their work and stuck to that priciple.

The next day, the same woman entered my office and softly said: "You should have spanked me yesterday. I know you would love to do it." I blushed (Yes!!)
I asked how she was so sure and she answered. "I can feel that, I simply know."

That evening - after all staff had gone - I took her over my knee and gave her a well-earned spanking over her pants.

In the months after that she referred to that spanking a few more times and I'm sure she was "into" spanking as much as I was(am). But it never happened again.

You often wonder why? Why is this so difficult? Only thirty years ago spanking was a common thing...

The world around us imposes lote of "rules and regulations" upon us and we only all to often feel we need to comply.

That's why I often tell you, Pixie: "I love and admire you for what you're doing."

Funbun
PS: The above story is a true story.

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

I have been rying to be "out" with my vanilla friends here in Belgium for years now but I do not want to make a big deal of it, because I do not want it effect their lives. It's only mentioned when it comes up naturaly in conversation (eg - "Why can't you come to XYZ this Saturday?" "Because I'm going to Antwerp to have a lady friend whup my back side.") but they just laugh it of and refuse to believe me. This is highly frustrating.

Prefectdt

Dan Navarro said...

Don't feel guilty, Pix. You are engaging in one of the most beautiful activities in the world. Spankings have always been popular, in all countries, and it is only recently that they have had to go, for the most part, "underground."

History has a way of repeating itself. The current wave of disapproval over spankings will dissipate in time, for spankings are a primal urge. Everyone has that urge. You are not doing anything wrong.

Dan

David 007 said...

Believe me I sympathize, Pixie (HUGGGS) You're not alone on this one. My immediate family would run the entire range of emotions from blushing in shame to going ballistic with anger if they had a clue about this side of my life. You don't have to feel guilty about lying to them. (HUGS) Of course if you DO feel guilty....(adjusting priest collar) Father 007 will hear your confession, And your penance is ready when you are. :D

Anonymous said...

Pixie,

Many of us out here share the same feelings you do about the matter. However, only we can judge for ourselves whom of those we know and care about we can actually share our most secret feelings with.

I don't think of it as a matter of fibbing to anyone with any malicious intent. Human nature for self preservation and acceptance from others causes us to choose what we share and when we do so. We all carry secrets of some type.

I think it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and do what you do. I for one truly admire that. I know I can relate to a lot of your posts, and that has helped me through many of these same thoughts.

Communication is the key to life. We are social creatures. Sometimes, though, it is not so much in what we say or share, but in what we don't that brings peace and harmony to our lives. I've had many experiences on both sides of that coin that have both turned out either wonderfully or caused riffs and scars in my life that have yet to heal.

Enjoy what makes you happy. If it is meant to be that you share more with family, the time and place will present itself when it is right.

I'm sure I speak for many readers out there when I say we support you and care about you.

Javi

SpiderSpirit said...

Hi Pixie. When I first read about your "vanillification" of your home, I felt oddly sad, even though rationally I completely understood. I'm glad to read that you have shared your "spankoness" with vanilla friends and acquaintances in the past. For myself, I've used it almost as a rite of passage for a friendship, as the relationship deepens, as does the trust, and I feel a person has become part of my "inner circle": When I let the friend in on this interest of mine, I feel as though I am now fully revealed, and thus liberated with that person.

Have you thought about how you would handle it if a friend or relative were to find out, by running across the site, or one of your DVDs? Do you have a plan in mind for what you would do if someone, out of the blue, started making oblique wink-wink-nudge-nudge references to you, about our favorite topic? Just curious.

As always, thank you for being there. I deeply appreciate what you do. Take care.

Jeff

B said...

girlfriend I hear you. When I went to Vegas for the Adult Video Convention I told everyone back home I was at the Consumer Electronics Expo which was in the same building. I had to report back with the latest in high-tech gadgets and computers when , honestly, I wish I could have regaled them all with the much more interesting tales of porn stars and freaks!
Do you think you'll ever come out?

Anonymous said...

Hi Pixie,

I think that you should be cautious about revealing details regarding your personal life to family and vanilla friends.

I understand the emotion, that feeling - of sort of feeling, dishonest about yourself with friends and family. You are tempted to think that they might understand and maybe even support you, and that your sharing might bring you closer to them. I think you should be careful.

My experience is that people do not understand. Human nature being what it is, people gossip. They might even wonder if you hurt people, if your in danger, if you need emotion or phychiatric help, if you will make a fit mother, is your significent other strange as well?

I think that - in our society it is best to keep your personal life - private.

I wish it were different.

A.S.S. said...

You're right about having to fib about spanking from time to time. This weekend we're meeting a friend for some fun and spanking. Friends and family ask what we're doing, or where we're going... and, what can we say? lol... 'yea, our friend has been really naughty and needs a spanking so we're going to get that taken care of and then we'll go enjoy the beach.'

That doesn't exactly work. Not because it bothers us in any way. Obviously it doesn't. But, it would make others uncomfortable. They're asking a comfortable and social question, and that's the kind of answer they expect in return.

So, we fib and skip over all the spanking stuff (which is the focus)... and instead just say 'enjoy the beach.'

It's not honest though, and we can understand feeling a little guilty about that. Of course, you could get your bottom spanked to help you with that guilt... but that just gives you more to feel guilty about. lol, what to do, what to do!

:)
Todd & Suzy

The Serial Spanker said...

Pixie, the world of spanking would be a much more colorless place without you. Your delightful red bottom over your soft white skin together with your deep blue eyes makes you the all-American Spanking Queen. That along with your beautiful blonde hair and playful naughtiness makes you (in my opinion) one of the most huggable kissable girls on the planet ; )
Yes, I'm aware that I'm hopelessly besotted with you, but I'll bet there's many more guys out there who feel the same way I do. And so we must keep dreaming and hoping :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Pixie-

Don't think of it as having to tell a fib about what you sometimes do.. This is what I call it when I don't exactly tell the truth about my love of spanking. It is an honest lie... In other words I am going to honestly lie about it to the vanillia's in my life who like yours probably wouldn't totally understand.

But also having that other not so shy side to your personality is makes you YOU. And the world is all the better for having you in it sharing your love with all of us.

Hugs
Alex

2Good said...

I know it must be really hard for you to not be able to just come right out with it. Maybe you are like me. I tend to be very open with those I am close to. I struggle. I won't tell because they simply wouldn't understand. There's no way to get someone to understand the appeal if they themselves don't have the desire.

Winchester said...

In the best of all possible worlds people would understand each other so much better and many of tghe prejudices would not be there. They range from those who believe that anything to do with spanking must be the act of a paedophile to hose who regard it as degrading to everyone who takes part and almost dehumanises them. I live in a world in which I know of nobody who would understand - so everything has to be kept completely under wraps! Would that it were not so. But we do not live in the best of all possible worlds.

Brad D. said...

Trusting your instincts is very important in this aspect of our life. My guess is that intuitive people know something is up, but not exactly what is truly going on.

Nice column.

Amber Pixie Wells said...

FunBun - I think your method of opening the door just slightly and allowing the girl to take the opportunity to walk through if she is interested is a very wise policy. It's both welcoming but safe.

Prefectdt - That is a very amusing story, though understandably frustrating. At least you don't have to fib at all and can head out with a clear conscience.

Dan - If there is going to be a cultural spanking revolution, I sure hope I'm around for it!

007 - Too funny. I can only imagine what my penance might be ...

Javi - Definitely no malicious intent, just a little awkward when I need to keep coming up with excuses for my whereabouts when out of town for spankystuff. I just stink at lying but I know it's best and I also need to be able to keep some aspects of my life to myself ... spanking fun being one of them.

Jeff - If a friend or relative were to run across a DVD or the site, it would be pretty hard to deny that it was me. At that point I would have no choice to admit what I do, but I'm hopeful it won't come to that. A friend might be a little easier to explain things to than a family member. I have to say that so far those friends of mine that I've told (and it's a pretty decent number) have all been cool with it. Just not sure if family members would be the same.

B - I bet you saw a lot of high-tech gadgets that you could tell a few stories about at the AVC. ;-) I'm not sure if I'll come out entirely. At least for now, halway out is pretty comfy.

Anonymous - My friends have been great and have proven to be very understanding and supportive. Their only initial concern was I in any danger or purposely putting myself in harm's way. But they've known for years now and are just wonderful about it. My one friend even helps out with shoots by loaning clothes or props as needed. :)

Todd & Suzy - that would be a vicious cycle, wouldn't it. Spanking -> guilt -> spanking -> guilt. Not so bad though as vicious cycles go.

Serial Spanker - Goodness, thank you! I'm very happy to be as involved and out as I am in the spanking world. It's always reassuring to be able to interact with others such as yourself that have similar desires and cravings.

Alex - An honest lie, eh? That's a creative way to dance around my honesty complex!

2Good - Why does it have to be that those that are least likely to understand are the same ones that are the nosiest and want to know where I'm going and why???

Winchester - Sorry to hear that you don't have anyone close to you that you can share your secret with. I am glad that we are all able to unite online though so that none of us feel quite so alone.

Brad D - Yes, my instincts tell me it's best to keep quiet and keep my fingers crossed that they aren't too intuitive! I wonder what they think I might be up to ...

Pandora said...

I understand this feeling all too well. My family doesn't know what I do - they know that I do modelling (I started out doing plain art nude/glamour before I got into spanking modelling) so whenever I have a shoot I just let them believe it's an art nude shoot. Occasionally when I do a shoot that I think they might like the idea of (I've done some pretty fantastic stuff, with me posing nude as a forest nymph, or with my saxophone, or as a mermaid!) I'll show them a couple of the more tasteful pics or tell them about it, so they feel included in what I do. If I never told them anything they'd clearly suspect something. I tell them I do a lot of fetish fashion as well - latex, high heels, corsetry, etc. As it happens I don't any more but for a good model there's a lot of money in fetish couture, so it explains how I can earn as much as I do off a couple of shoots a month.

I do feel guilty about lying to them. I've considered coming clean a couple of times - I know they probably suspect that I'm doing more sexy or kinky stuff than I admit to, they're smart people. They know I'm kinky in my private life - they found that out when I was 16, reading something online that really shouldn't have been public. Their attitude has always been that as long as I'm safe and happy, they'd rather not know. And I respect that. If they're indulging in spanking play or having debauched parties with their friends I'd rather not know about that either!

I was chatting to a photographer couple on a recent shoot who reminded me very much of my own parents. The same age, the same career and social background. We were talking about privacy, what they keep from their teenage kids and what I keep from my parents. They told me I was absolutely right to not tell my mum and dad what I do. My reason for not telling them has always been that no matter how well I explained, they would *never* believe I was doing something safe. To go to see people I've only spoken to online or on the phone, to be beaten by them ... they would just worry, endlessly, if they knew. And it's not fair of me to put them through it. It would be selfish of me to tell them as a way of assuaging my own guilt. Not telling them is absolutely the best course of action, and if I feel rough about being dishonest, that's my problem that I need to deal with. It just wouldn't be fair of me to put it on them.

Of course, every family is different, and I know some spanking models who have their parents' full knowledge and support. I envy it, a little, but there's no point wishing your parents were different people. I am very lucky in mine for other reasons, and I think I just have to accept that this is something I'm never going to be able to share with them.